I would like to find times in my life when I look up and not down. When I look at my life, so much of it was comical. Like when I played basketball. I was almost 14 and my whole team was Jewish. One day we had to play another team from Harlem. They were all twice as tall as I was. We lost that day. We won the second game because they never showed up.
Our team was created as part of a league The Mirror put together. The Mirror was a NYC newspaper. They put together several teams and we all competed for college scholarships. We lost.
One time in kindergarten I painted a cloudy sky. My teacher was concerned. She thought I was disturbed. She called my mother in to talk. My mother was a very good-looking woman. Needless to state, my mother didn’t agree with my teacher. She showed the teacher what I painted. My mother asked me why I painted it and I said it was because the paints were too watery. They were! I wanted to paint a circus.
In life I find its easy to find my failures or criticisms. One of my teachers, Mrs. Powers, looked like Norman Bates mother in a rocking chair. I wasn’t scared of her, but she gave spelling bees and I always won. But I focused on the fact she gave me bad marks for chatting with my friends.
These days I usually blame myself for almost anything that happens. I always look at myself first, which is a good quality, but I take it too far. I blame myself for things OTHER people do! If I make mistakes in speaking I’m always worried people will think Im stupid. I guess I had relatives when I was young who resented me which made me think things were my fault. Im realizing now things aren’t my fault, necessarily. But I could waste a whole day worrying.
I find when I talk about it stops me from this cycle. I work with a lovely group of women in a small real estate office. They have confronted me about choices I’ve made because they were concerned for me and thank goodness! So I’ve been going there more, even though I could work from home. People are good for me.
Back in the day, my therapist Tony helped me realize my passion for architecture. At the time I was really confused about what to do. Teaching was making me miserable. I thought interior design but he pointed out I didn’t have a big hat and interior designers had big hats and limousines. I finally had a dream about a slide rule and Tony said, “Well I guess we know you’ve decided.” I get goosebumps remembering it. Talking these choices out with someone helped me stay clear and listen to the signs. When I talk to people I look up. I have to remember that.