Hanging Up on A Ghost

My mother never wanted me to go to a funeral. She thought I wouldn’t understand it. She thought they were too sad. The one funeral I did go to was my Grandmothers. I wasn’t close with her so I wasn’t terribly sad. I sat in a car with my mother and  a few of my other relatives, and while they all cried and mourned I didn’t really.

When we arrived we piled out of the car and walked to her gravesite. It was like looking into a fishbowl from the outside in, and for the first time I really felt like I was alone in my lack of sadness. It was weird, but like I said, we weren’t close.

When my husband died, his brother was the MC at the memorial service. He had everyone laughing. There were about 100 people there, friends and family. At the memorial I felt like I was in a dream. It was sort of how I felt when I was helping him in the end of his life.  It was hard, but I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

When he was gone I often felt like he wasn’t actually dead. I have his ashes in my apartment, but I still feel like he’s around. So I called information to see if I could find someone with his name anywhere in the 5 boroughs.  I found his name in Staten Island. Don had written a play about a man in Staten Island, so I was very surprised. I called the number and it rang and rang and then I hung up. I didn’t know what I’d do if I heard his voice pick up on the other end.

I went to a memorial a few weeks ago. I go to a lot of them lately. I really should go to the movies instead. But a few weeks ago a friends husband passed. I went to the church and my friend was a wreck. I think it always take human beings awhile to get used to something, and her husband was diagnosed and had died within 2 weeks of the memorial. I would’ve much rather taken her to dinner, but there we were and it was very sad.

If I were ever to speak as someones funeral I would want to make people laugh. It releases the tightness and the bad memories. I’ve even been making a lot of people laugh lately. So I’m prepared! Live your life to the last-minute. But when you laugh, you have more fun. So do it. Do it all the time! Make people laugh.


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