Under the Skin

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which also happens to be my mothers birthday. It also makes me think of my husband, who was Irish. So it’s a double doozey of a day. My roommates left town this morning and I felt a loneliness I haven’t felt since Don died.

Last night, I took my friends Margaret and Wayne out to dinner because they have been inviting me over every other Thursday since Don died. Wayne and I had the same psychologist in the past. I’ve always thought of him like a brother. And I love Margaret like a good friend. They have always had a relationship that impressed me. My roommates are also an impressive couple. So back to back I was faced with couples, and I’m no longer in one. So the loneliness set in today.

I’ve been writing these blogs because I have had a very exciting and interesting life, but seeing these two couples, both the good and the bad, they are close and candid and have a great relationship. On the heels of today and all of my important people who associated with St. Patty’s day, I remember the journeys with the people. Like my mother and how we evolved. The most important people in your life are the relationships you work at to have.

Loneliness has to do with the relationships that you have or don’t have. I’m jealous I’m not in a relationship right now, yet I’m happy to see my friends happy in theirs. When I was growing up I had a couple of close friends. The Lower East Side was filled with change and transition at the time. Friends would come and go. Even we finally moved to Bayside Queens. You would think I was used to loss after all of that.

I never thought I was anything great. Part of it had to do with insecurities reinforced by people in my life when I was a kid. On the other hand, my parents were very complimentary of my looks but especially my brain. Also my sense of humor was one of my big-ticket items. I was always funny and it would counter any negative comments that came my way. I was a resilient kid. This past week when the installation of the tough little girl was put in from of the Wall Street Bull, it reminded me of me!

City kids have to grow up faster than the kids in the country. They are approached by so many more dangerous things in the city. When I was a kid there were stalkers, gang of mean city girls, bookies in the corridors of the buildings in the evenings. After school my mother had me go to afterschool programs until my parents were home from work. Keeping kids off of the streets is important in the cities.  Also in the city kids are expected to be more sophisticated and accepting. Kids also have to be more competitive. All of this contributes to loneliness. It makes a person very unique, which is a good thing but also can be very isolating.

I have been struggling with my loneliness. Instead of reaching out more I’ve been working from home, which is safe, but alone. When I was younger I was lonely and I would go to a movie. It would get me out of the house. Scary movies can get me out of my lonliness. The Hand did that for me, but also made me scared of bookshelves.

Today I’d rather go with a friend to the movies, but now my movie freind is very sick. I’ve been very consumed with architectural work. It’s a good way for me to avoid my upset. My upset is about missing some of the most important people in my life.

Seeing my friends who are in couple is good for me. Life goes on and I have to be reminded to live sometimes. So maybe I should go to the movies today. Maybe a scary movie.



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