I felt sad last week and I didn’t know why. When I was young my parents always supported me. After that I would have a boyfriend or a husband. I don’t have any of those things now. I have my brother and he is supportive, but he gives me too much advice about my health. He’s a doctor, so he knows a lot and I’m sure it’s helpful, but I have so many doctors in my life already I find what i need more is a brother.
My first boyfriend wasn’t Jewish, and at that time that wasn’t acceptable. In Bayside, where I lived at the time, I would stop at a candy store everyday after school. Bob Bird was a “soda jerk”. He was very good-looking and older than me. He was in his 20’s. He made me a malted everyday, but when my grandmother cooked I was required to eat! I of course didn’t tell her I was drinking a malted everyday. Luckily being stick thin wasn’t in fashion back then.
Bob and I were together for about 2 or 3 years. I had a great set up to hide I was dating a non-Jewish boy. Bob’s friend Howie, who was Jewish, would pick me up from my house and then take me to Bob. We even pretended to go to prom together! One night my mother followed me in her car and she waited in her Cadillac outside the candy store until she saw me leaving with Bob. We stopped dating not too long after that.
I’m almost 80. I wish I had the energy to not worry about not having a man in my life, and feel supported by the people I do have in my life. The willingness to get out of the house and go to a party or a class. But when I think I want to go do something my mind becomes clouded and I would rather go home and watch TV with my dogs. I lack moxie without a man in my life. I feel like if there was a man around I wouldn’t long for it. When Don was around he and I would talk about the stuff I was doing and he would support me to do it. I miss the emotional support to go out and do stuff. I’m my experience besides my mother it was always men who supported me this way. And now I don’t have one.
I’d like to take an art class at the Arts Students League, so a year ago I picked up a catalogue. I never registered. That makes me mad. I told some guy in my building I’d go to a reception at the Arts Students League and then I didn’t go! So you may ask what I’m gonna do about it, huh? Write about it.
I have to break out of this. Where’s that catalogue…